Unspeakable Chaos

Prudery has been a part of our society for... well, since society became a word. Cavemen didn't give a shit about sex or sexuality, I can garauntee you that. Decency and social structure are a product of our advancement. But not all products are positive (the H-bomb).

I have the social grace to mingle with all sorts of different types of people. From major prudes, to major sluts. And I mean both in the best way possible. To each his/her own, right? I was a hopeless romantic for years. The whole reason I moved to Fairbanks, actually, was because I was looking for a boyfriend. How sad is that? 14 year old, newly come out me, wearing caked on black make-up and the Tripp pants with the chains. Don't get me started about my hair.

Romance never came. However, casual sex was quickly discovered after I started drinking. Most people probably don't understand this. How does a self-described romantic quickly shift from looking for "The One" to degrading himself in somebody else's bedroom, emerging to a room full of drunks wearing somebody else's shirt? Lonliness. I was One with Pisces. (In all fairness, before I developed the ridiculous amount of confidence I now have, I realise I was very Pisces.)

I was so desperate for approval- for someone to find me attractive, or interesting- that I found it was easy for me to just "put out". I wanted someone to love me. I was a stupid, stupid boy. At some point in time, I realised I was becoming a "downer". I was the guy who'd get drunk, and cry. People wouldn't party with me unless someone volunteered to babysit me for the night. Many also knew I was a total pushover, and they used this to walk all over me. Hint that I might have to confront someone, and I was putty in your hands. I was the epitome of Pisces, I was weak and dependant, and everyone felt like they had to take care of me.

I got tired of this. I was tired of people seeing me as this wet-blanket, dependable, go-nowhere daydreamer. I made an effort to change. And it started with standing up for myself. Sadly, I had never had too much practice in this area. Since I have always been good with the spoken word, though, I found myself very much at home in the art of bitchery. I couldn't intimidate someone who knew me. I couldn't outyell them, or outdepress them, but it was easy for me to just brush them off.

As this came to be, I found myself more and more at home with this new "attitude." I found myself believing that the confidence I had once faked was becoming real, and even more-so, was bordering on egotism. My bitchery, which I had mostly used to make people laugh and get me out of confrontation, was becoming a constant. I was being mean without realising it, and worse yet, mean while realising it.

Fuck. I don't know if this blog ever had direction. Which has always been my constant. Whether I'm a Pisces, a Gemini, or whatever the fuck someone see's me as, you'll never see me with direction. And if you ever do, please, let me know, so you can tell me where I'm going.