Unspeakable Chaos

Prudery has been a part of our society for... well, since society became a word. Cavemen didn't give a shit about sex or sexuality, I can garauntee you that. Decency and social structure are a product of our advancement. But not all products are positive (the H-bomb).

I have the social grace to mingle with all sorts of different types of people. From major prudes, to major sluts. And I mean both in the best way possible. To each his/her own, right? I was a hopeless romantic for years. The whole reason I moved to Fairbanks, actually, was because I was looking for a boyfriend. How sad is that? 14 year old, newly come out me, wearing caked on black make-up and the Tripp pants with the chains. Don't get me started about my hair.

Romance never came. However, casual sex was quickly discovered after I started drinking. Most people probably don't understand this. How does a self-described romantic quickly shift from looking for "The One" to degrading himself in somebody else's bedroom, emerging to a room full of drunks wearing somebody else's shirt? Lonliness. I was One with Pisces. (In all fairness, before I developed the ridiculous amount of confidence I now have, I realise I was very Pisces.)

I was so desperate for approval- for someone to find me attractive, or interesting- that I found it was easy for me to just "put out". I wanted someone to love me. I was a stupid, stupid boy. At some point in time, I realised I was becoming a "downer". I was the guy who'd get drunk, and cry. People wouldn't party with me unless someone volunteered to babysit me for the night. Many also knew I was a total pushover, and they used this to walk all over me. Hint that I might have to confront someone, and I was putty in your hands. I was the epitome of Pisces, I was weak and dependant, and everyone felt like they had to take care of me.

I got tired of this. I was tired of people seeing me as this wet-blanket, dependable, go-nowhere daydreamer. I made an effort to change. And it started with standing up for myself. Sadly, I had never had too much practice in this area. Since I have always been good with the spoken word, though, I found myself very much at home in the art of bitchery. I couldn't intimidate someone who knew me. I couldn't outyell them, or outdepress them, but it was easy for me to just brush them off.

As this came to be, I found myself more and more at home with this new "attitude." I found myself believing that the confidence I had once faked was becoming real, and even more-so, was bordering on egotism. My bitchery, which I had mostly used to make people laugh and get me out of confrontation, was becoming a constant. I was being mean without realising it, and worse yet, mean while realising it.

Fuck. I don't know if this blog ever had direction. Which has always been my constant. Whether I'm a Pisces, a Gemini, or whatever the fuck someone see's me as, you'll never see me with direction. And if you ever do, please, let me know, so you can tell me where I'm going.

Change

I've been having a crisis lately. I wrote a blog, not too long ago, about what a bitch I can be. How I feel bad about it, but don't show it. And lately, it's been a much bigger problem. I don't know if I'm just gaining a worse sense of guilt, or if I'm being bitchier than usual. (Actually, I know I've been bitchier than usual.) Like, legitimatly mean. As I've said, it's something I've been stewing over.

I don't know why I've been acting the way I have, though I have suspicions that it's a number of stress-related reasons, but I'm looking for a solution. I don't believe in fate or destiny, but coincedence can be a powerful thing. We've all seen the generic quotes, usually along the lines of "Be the change you want to see in the world". I can't speak for others, but for me, I usually find myself passing over these quotes. Either I've seen them before, or they just don't interest me the way they should.

But, as I said, coincedence is a powerful thing. It seems like lately, I've been finding answers like these, answers that basically tell me to carve out my own future. I define the person I am: I'm a bitch because I accept I'm a bitch. Once upon a time, this wasn't the case. I'm afraid to ask people what they think of me, because I'm afraid of what's sugar coated and even more afraid of the truth. I know my friends- my real friends- love and appreciate me. (Yes, Lavina and Emily, this includes you, my most faithful readers.)

As I've also said before, I sometimes miss the person I was. I miss the passion, the willingness to confront and stand for what I believe in. It seems like I've avoided confrontation for years, I'm afraid of being disliked, but by being the person I think others want me to be, it seems like I'm just hating myself. And even more so, it seems people aren't enjoying who I THINK they want me to be, anyway.

It's frightening, honestly, imagining these changes I'm hoping to make in myself. Frightening because, if I fail, I know it's a failure to myself, and if I succeed, who knows if I'll like that person any better than the person I am now? Or maybe I'll make the correct changes, but it doesn't change me the way I want it to?

Anyway, sorry to all the people I've been bitchier than usual. I'm trying to change- I WANT to change- but we'll see how that goes. If nothing else, I'm unreliable, and this includes promises to myself.

Grudges

I'm a very forgiving person. Mostly because I forget why I'm angry in the first place. But I really, really hate it when someone hurts someone I love. Which, I'm sure, isn't too surprising. It seems to be a human thing. In my 20+ years of existence, I've only had a grudge against one person. And now, I have a second one.

My sister is a total sweetheart. She's got a heart that's too big for her head, which often makes her seem dumb and trivial. But once you get to know her, you realize there ARE cogs turning in that pretty little head of hers- sometimes, they just don't turn fast enough. Besides, stupidity's HARDLY a reason to dislike someone, and it's almost impossible to hate her. She's had a crap life, also. Alcoholic mom, lazy deadbeat dad, abuse, and some crappy boy/girlfriends (in case you didn't catch on by now, she's not my biological sister).

She doesn't deserve any of that (then again, who really does?). And maybe it's just because she's used to it, but she gets into relationships with guys/girls who keep treating her like a doormat. And she LETS them. Her ex-girlfriend, Jenny, cheated on her with my sister's cousin. Her boyfriend after that was an alcoholic who ended up in court-ordered rehab. Her current boyfriend caught me by surprise, though, which really pissed me off.

As I'm sure you can tell by now, I'm relatively protective of my sister (as a brother should be). So, I was ecstatic when she started dating her current boyfriend. He was nice, not only to her, but the rest of the family, and he was fun, and he seemed really devoted to her (weekly 6 hour drives, here and back). Then, she moved to Anchorage. And the dumb bitch (that's my sister) put herself in the worst possibly place.

She started living with him. She got a dog with him. She basically tied herself to this guy in a way that left her stuck (where else would she go?). She got a dog with him. I thought she was stupid for tying herself to this guy, but I figured she knew better than I did. And then the signs popped up. She started telling me about their fights, how it was always a constant with them. How she didn't have any friends of her own, because the only social interaction she got was at her Cosmotology classes, and when HE wanted to go out. She was lonely, and crazy, and then he cheated on her.

And then she took him back. Why? Because she "loves" him. Well, dumbass, if you love something, set it free, and then your brother will kick it in the cunt for you.

Bitch.