Change

I've been having a crisis lately. I wrote a blog, not too long ago, about what a bitch I can be. How I feel bad about it, but don't show it. And lately, it's been a much bigger problem. I don't know if I'm just gaining a worse sense of guilt, or if I'm being bitchier than usual. (Actually, I know I've been bitchier than usual.) Like, legitimatly mean. As I've said, it's something I've been stewing over.

I don't know why I've been acting the way I have, though I have suspicions that it's a number of stress-related reasons, but I'm looking for a solution. I don't believe in fate or destiny, but coincedence can be a powerful thing. We've all seen the generic quotes, usually along the lines of "Be the change you want to see in the world". I can't speak for others, but for me, I usually find myself passing over these quotes. Either I've seen them before, or they just don't interest me the way they should.

But, as I said, coincedence is a powerful thing. It seems like lately, I've been finding answers like these, answers that basically tell me to carve out my own future. I define the person I am: I'm a bitch because I accept I'm a bitch. Once upon a time, this wasn't the case. I'm afraid to ask people what they think of me, because I'm afraid of what's sugar coated and even more afraid of the truth. I know my friends- my real friends- love and appreciate me. (Yes, Lavina and Emily, this includes you, my most faithful readers.)

As I've also said before, I sometimes miss the person I was. I miss the passion, the willingness to confront and stand for what I believe in. It seems like I've avoided confrontation for years, I'm afraid of being disliked, but by being the person I think others want me to be, it seems like I'm just hating myself. And even more so, it seems people aren't enjoying who I THINK they want me to be, anyway.

It's frightening, honestly, imagining these changes I'm hoping to make in myself. Frightening because, if I fail, I know it's a failure to myself, and if I succeed, who knows if I'll like that person any better than the person I am now? Or maybe I'll make the correct changes, but it doesn't change me the way I want it to?

Anyway, sorry to all the people I've been bitchier than usual. I'm trying to change- I WANT to change- but we'll see how that goes. If nothing else, I'm unreliable, and this includes promises to myself.