My Capricorn

There are so few people in my life that I feel I can actually depend on, that I can count them on my fingers. Three people, as a matter of fact. I'll admit, my relationships with them are mostly due to my selfishness. They're reliable, solid, they're home when everything in my life is chaotic. I know I can talk to them about anything, no matter what. They give me strength, and in return, I try to keep them happy. It's the least I can do, right? All three of these people are also totally different- one of them is gentle and capable of sympathy and kindness I can't even imagine being capable of. Another is strong, yet sensible. She's rational, but always knows how to temper that with a very big heart. The last (yet certainly not least) is strong, stubborn, and blunt. We can have the biggest fights, but in an hour or two, we both forgot about them completely.

This blog isn't about all three of them, though. It's about one in particular. Right now, she's probably the biggest influence in my life. She's my best friend, my roommate, my Capricorn. She's struggled through things I can't even imagine, yet has come out stronger and the better for it. She's not quite my opposite, but we're definitley very different people. I'm loud, and obnoxious, while she's quiet until given reason to raise her voice. I'm terrible with money, while she can be her own personal banker. If I'm chaos, she's order.

She looks out for me, though, without being patronizing about it. I like to drink, and party, and she'll never tell me I can't do it, but she'll let me know it's probably not the best idea when it isn't. She's not a wetblanket, though- she knows how to have fun, and when I'm with her, even when we don't really have anything to do, we have a blast. She puts up with me on a regular basis, which I'm pretty sure I wouldn't beable to do, if I had a double/clone/whatever. She knows my faults, and she embraces them, as I do hers. Our friendship is probably the closest thing to perfect, if there exists such a thing.

She can be critical. She can be stubborn. She can be petty. But she's always amazing, and she's always beautiful.

She's my Capricorn. <3

Gemini

It's fun, learning about Zodiac signs. "Oh, that is so me!" some may say, while others think, "Well, this is a bunch of bullshit". What a Zodiac sign does, basically, is give your personality an outline. Maybe that outline doesn't fit the Zodiac sign you were born under, but your personality is sure to fit one of the twelve molds, even if it is only to a limited extent. Obviously, every single person on this planet is different from one-another. But there are always things- big things- that help people define you instantly. Loud or quiet. Witty or dull. Upper or downer. Independant or dependant.

I was born under Pisces, the fish. To some, this means I'm a daydreamer, a planner but not someone who follows through. A quiet, gentle soul. To others, this means I am a downer, a drunk, and a pity-monger. I'm pretty sure I'm only two of these things (daydreamer and drunk). I don't fit the Pisces mold. I have the free-spirit, the carefree personality, the ability to drift through life, but I don't do it without making a lot of noise and without making a few people cry.

It's not totally different from a Pisces, but the differences that exist are quite noticable. I don't crave attention, I just need to be in on the action. I've always been good with words, and I've always been terrible with secrets. I'm not so much "immoral" as I am "amoral". I fit the Gemini mold quite nicely. Like Pisces, Gemini are mutable, adaptive. Unlike Pisces, they're extroverts, learners, rogues, and sociopaths. While a Pisces will make excuses for the things he/she has done wrong, a Gemini will just laugh them away.

I'm such a fuckin' Gemini.

Which me?

It's easy to think back, but hard to remember. I know, that sounds totally contradictory, but remember being a kid? Everything was so black and white. I remember thinking I was never going to smoke cigarettes (or anything else) or drink, because it just seemed to ruin the people around me. And growing up in a village, I saw a LOT of ruined people, including family and friends. Things aren't so simple now. Maybe they never were simple, I just simplified them because I was just a child, and it made things easier to understand.

The point is, people change. Constantly. The me who lived in McGrath is so different from the teenager who moved to Fairbanks, and that person is so different from the person I am today. That person was mopey, he was sad, he was giving, he cared about so much. He was quiet, until he had reason to speak up, and he was scared of so much. I think he's still scared.

Now, though, I'm loud, all the time. I don't even do it on purpose. I don't think anybody would qualify me as a downer, and maybe some of my nicer friends would say I'm still a caring person, most would take the honest route and say, "He's a bitch. He'll tell you that himself." And they would be right.

Sometimes, though, I remember too well, and I get so confused. Who am I? Or, better yet, who am I becoming? Do I like the person I see in the mirror? Because even I can't tell. Sometimes, I forget which of the things I say are honest things, and which are just bullshit that spews from my mouth for... what? Friends? Acceptance? Is there even a reason? Sometimes I'm proud of myself, and sometimes I'm afraid of who I'm becoming. Growing up doesn't necessarily mean growing into someone you like.

If I could get all the different "me"s together, what would each of them think of me? Would young me be afraid of the person he becomes? Would adolescent me hate modern me? Would he be disappointed that I don't care so much about politics or lost most of that passion? Would he hate me? I'm not sure.

I'm not really sure of a lot these days.