"You try too hard to compensate for your insecurities."
No other words have hit me harder. It's been months since I've heard these words, in particular, and they've stuck with me ever since. Because it's true: I try really hard to make up what I lack in. And I lack in a lot of things. I never feel like I'm enough of what I want to be, or who I'm trying to be. If you asked someone, or multiple people, how to describe me, I'd guess the words "unique, egotistical, sarcastic, and funny" would come up.
If you asked me to describe myself, I'd say the same things. Because it's all about image. When you strive so hard to make people believe you are who you've been pretending to be, it's difficult to actually open up and tell them how you feel, or let them know who you are. Especially when you don't really know who you are yourself.
I have some wonderful friends, but sometimes, I feel like they know so little about me. And I don't blame them for not being mind-readers, and it's not like they've never made an effort to try, it's just hard to be vulnerable when you've made a life of being the life of the party. The guy who's never in control, who just lets himself go.
It's exhausting being so fake all the time. It's tiring hiding all your problems, even from your friends, because you don't want them to think you have any problems. Even if you keep someone at arm's reach, though, they begin to understand you after enough time has passed. You think you've hidden yourself away so well, and they still ask, "What's wrong?"
Those are the most terrifying words to me. Because there's never a good answer. Either you lie ("Oh, nothing's wrong, I was just thinking...") or you spill the beans, and then, where do you begin?
The truth is, most of the time, I hate myself. The truth is I dress well, and act the way I do, because I thrive on compliments, because if nobody else thinks I'm okay, it's harder to pretend to be okay. The truth is, I'm so tired of being alone that from time to time I am physically in pain, until I take my mind off the subject. The truth is, I don't think I'm pretty, I don't think I'm clever, and I don't think I have anything to contribute to anyone, and I think that's why I'm still alone.
Well, what do you know. The truth does hurt.
The truth often does hurt.. but it isn't until you let yourself accept the truth that you can make any changes. You deserve someone amazing.. and not that I'm any genius in this area.. cuz.. well, you've seen me fall apart after Chase and stagger around trying to find my way. I don't know any more than you do. But I believe that it isn't until we're ready and have enough to give someone else honestly, that we find them. I love you, Timmy. And whether you come to me or not, I'll be here.. waiting... time after time. ;)
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