Which me?

It's easy to think back, but hard to remember. I know, that sounds totally contradictory, but remember being a kid? Everything was so black and white. I remember thinking I was never going to smoke cigarettes (or anything else) or drink, because it just seemed to ruin the people around me. And growing up in a village, I saw a LOT of ruined people, including family and friends. Things aren't so simple now. Maybe they never were simple, I just simplified them because I was just a child, and it made things easier to understand.

The point is, people change. Constantly. The me who lived in McGrath is so different from the teenager who moved to Fairbanks, and that person is so different from the person I am today. That person was mopey, he was sad, he was giving, he cared about so much. He was quiet, until he had reason to speak up, and he was scared of so much. I think he's still scared.

Now, though, I'm loud, all the time. I don't even do it on purpose. I don't think anybody would qualify me as a downer, and maybe some of my nicer friends would say I'm still a caring person, most would take the honest route and say, "He's a bitch. He'll tell you that himself." And they would be right.

Sometimes, though, I remember too well, and I get so confused. Who am I? Or, better yet, who am I becoming? Do I like the person I see in the mirror? Because even I can't tell. Sometimes, I forget which of the things I say are honest things, and which are just bullshit that spews from my mouth for... what? Friends? Acceptance? Is there even a reason? Sometimes I'm proud of myself, and sometimes I'm afraid of who I'm becoming. Growing up doesn't necessarily mean growing into someone you like.

If I could get all the different "me"s together, what would each of them think of me? Would young me be afraid of the person he becomes? Would adolescent me hate modern me? Would he be disappointed that I don't care so much about politics or lost most of that passion? Would he hate me? I'm not sure.

I'm not really sure of a lot these days.