I'm sorry I'm a bitch

For years, I've owned the fact that I'm an asshole. I can be rude, dishonest, and insensitive at times that are wholly inappropriate. I made a 10 year old cry yesterday by telling her she had a butt growing out of the top of her head (and that her hairline was the crack). Yet, even with all my flaws, I know there is a line that should not be crossed. I didn't think the butt-head thing was that big of a deal, but I apologised for it anyway (and not just because she's my boss' daughter). I hurt that little girl's feelings, and while I think most people know I don't do it intentionally, it's still been known to happen. And sometimes, I step over that line. The strange thing is, I can usually feel myself doing it. I can feel myself being meaner and nastier, and while it sickens me to the stomache, sometimes I just can't stop. The words are like vomiting razor-blades, cutting you down to pieces because I'm drunk with insecurity.

Here's the truth, though, the sickening, scary truth: I'm not really much of an asshole. If I do something I regret, I usually mull it over for hours upon end, thinking of some way to make it right. Of course, I usually end up finding a way to bury it, or (in my mind) make up for it, without ever having to apologise. Somewhere along the line, I became afraid of apologies. I felt like every time I apologised for something, I was betraying myself. I was constantly questioning my own motives: "Am I apologising because I actually feel bad? Or do I just not want ____ to be mad at me?" I like pretending I'm sociopathic because then I feel less responsible. Sort of a, "Well, you know how I am, so you can't really be mad at me for acting this way." And most people seem to go for it.

I can't stand making people unhappy, though. Laughter is my defense mechanism- hell, it's my everything mechanism. I laugh when I'm sad, I laugh when I'm happy, I laugh when I'm angry. I always try to lighten the mood, and sometimes that backfires. When the dog my family had owned since I was a toddler died, I laughed because I didn't know what else to do. When my bestfriend died when I was 13, I made jokes at his funeral. I haven't cried in 3 years, because the laughter has replaced everything else.

I'm not looking for pity, mind you. I'm just letting you know: sometimes I laugh when the moment is awkward, or inappropriate, or just plain insensitive. I probably don't mean to- it bubbles up before I can think of a better reaction- and I probably won't apologise for it (on the spot, anyway), but I hope you know I really am sorry. For anything you didn't know I was sorry about, and the stuff you won't know I'm sorry for in the future.